Wednesday Top 5

Is it Wednesday? No actually it isn't Wednesday it's Tuesday, I write this a day early as I have to give serious thought to the top 5. I was considering doing a Prince top 5, mainly because the wee fella is in a bit of trouble for not flogging his scent as per a contract, but as he is rather particular about his copyright I think I would struggle to turn up the goods in Youtube.



So where to go from there? OK, if you can't have Prince, what do you go for?



This weeks top five is the top 5 songs dedicated to wanking.



The first song is the rather splendid and future top 5 artist, Hello Kitten by Hefner. Hefner are normally coupled with the phrase Peel Favourites and it was Peel who once said it was always about sex with Hefner. He was absolutely right with this classic, with the refrain I'm gonna make myself go blind tonight, this ode to the joy of self was a fan favourite and when singer Darren Hayman trots it out at his solo shows these days it is met with a joyous reception. I used to have a website called hello kitten, it wasn't about masturbation, it was about hefner. Hefner came from the south, they released near perfect albums and then they split up, that's how it should be.



Darren Hayman and Jack Hayter performing Hello Kitten at Primavera Sound


Obvious number two is The Violent Femmes ode to the joys of fiddling with ones self, Blister in the sun. Lately used as the soundtrack to Fosters supping shade hunters, but historically the most well known of the wankthems. The Violent Femmes appeared in Sabrina the Teenage Witch and once cancelled a UK tour so they could go on a fag sponsored tour of the US, also Gano sold the advertising rights to this song to the US burger chain, Wendys. This song confirms them as wankers.



The Violent Femmes performing Blister In The Sun

Men who are not wankers but also sing about it, The Buzzcocks and the third best song about spanking the monkey is Orgasm Addict. I recall vividly the first time I heard and got The Buzzcocks, for ten minutes one summer whilst I was working at Butlins they were my favourite band and I still have a soft spot for them to this day, this is a million miles from their best work, but as What do I get isn't about self love, it will have to do.




The Buzzcocks performing Orgasm Addict at Shepherds Bush Empire in 2003

Which brings us neatly to Longview, the first time I heard Longview was the result of Kev T playing it a lot at the record shop we worked at, I say record shop, we could have been selling shoes, but prior to him playing Dookie, I knew little about them, other than they played that punk rock music. It was over a decade later before I realised it was essentially about onanism. Obviously Green Day weren't as in your face as Ivor Biggun.




Longview performed by Green Day

Finally we have Jackson Browne, I love Jackson Browne, Its a recent thing and I am unsure if it will be a fleeting love or I will be consumed, time will tell. Rosie is Jacksons tale, a rather sad tale of a roadie and his unluckyness in love, I say love, if it was love Jackson would be telling the tale of a roadie solitarily watching Sleepless in Seattle and not singing an ode to his hand.




Rosie performed by Jackson Browne in Maryland in 1975